Personal Share (anonymous)

NUCF Blog Personal Share

I am a recovering addict who was in active addiction for over 30 years since the age of 12. I experienced mental health problems from a young age after I experienced various forms of abuse during my childhood, then a lot of deaths in the family and close friends in a fairly short space of time during my youth. During this time I began abusing Alcohol and other legal substances and then began taking illegal drugs from the age of 17, starting with Cannabis and progressing on to party drugs then prescription medication and class A drugs. In the end I would take and use any drugs I could get hold of, anything to change the way I felt and to experience numbness, excitement or oblivion. Alcohol and Cannabis abuse was constant throughout my life and began to experience problems with multiple addictions when I tried to stop, by changing one addiction for another. However, I was powerless and would always end up abusing alcohol and cannabis again, and in the end i became obsessed and consumed by all of these addictions.

My poor life choices, addictions and mental health issues led to the whole of my adult life being both chaotic and unmanageable. I caused my family and friends plenty of hurt, stress, emotional and physical pain, experienced homelessness, moved around constantly and was a burden on and a risk to society; in terms of regular offending, spending time in prison, hospitals, GP surgeries and institutions. I also caused many people, services and organisations numerous problems due to my behaviour and actions. This behaviour continued until my early forties as my mental health problems were incorrectly diagnosed by the medical profession and subsequently went untreated due to their lack of understanding about addiction, its causes and how it affects people who suffer from it. I now accept that I have to take responsibility for my behaviour, actions and the consequences, as while I was powerless over my addictions at the time, the choices I made were still mine.

In the end I referred myself to a Drug and Alcohol Charity that specialised in treating people with addiction problems. My life was spiralling out of control again and I had hit another rock bottom; I obsessed about and pleaded for my life to be over, but I did not have the courage to end it myself, I was totally isolated from my family and friends and my only real human contact in the end was with my drug dealer and the staff in the Legal High Shop near where I lived. I was angry, scared, paranoid and full of self pity and self obsessed. I couldn’t control my multiple addictions and was using more and more drugs to try and block out the thoughts that were becoming more insane and the intense feelings of despair, fear and paranoia that were becoming worse. I was coming round after losing days and even weeks not knowing where I had been or what had happened. I had sold the majority of my possessions, stole, lied and manipulated family and committed fraud to feed my addictions. In the end I was physically drained and exhausted, but the drugs were having less and less affect and I knew I would soon end up dead, in jail or a mental institution if I carried on this way.

This is when I eventually did something good for myself and made a life changing decision to contact a Drug and Alcohol Recovery Charity, as I was receiving no help our successful outcomes from the NHS. Through engaging with this Charity, as well as other Recovery based organisations, the various services they provided like Peer Groups and Residential Rehab I began to become more aware of what was actually wrong with me by listening too and finding identification and similarities with other people in a similar situation to me. I began to realise and understand why I could never manage to stay free of my addictions or cope with them, why my life was always unmanageable and chaotic and most importantly the realisation I was not unique in my suffering or alone. The Charity also suggested I attend an anonymous Fellowship that helped people find freedom from active addiction and along with the help of this Fellowship and the recovery community, I finally began to recover and find some hope, faith and trust in myself and others who are like me.

It hasn’t always been easy and it’s hard at times learning to live life clean and sober after many years of active addiction. As many people in early recovery have done I relapsed and soon found my self heading for another rock bottom, but with the understanding I now had and with the help, understanding and care of the recovery community and friends I had made I came back. I remembered i was not alone and that the recovery community was waiting to welcome me back with open arms without judgement or anger. I now had a choice, the misery of active addiction or the amazing gift of recovery, and I gratefully chose recovery again. Of course it’s been hard, but by trying to live just a day at a time and doing what is suggested by people with lived experience of recovery from active addiction I have managed to sustain my abstinence for longer this time round. I work a spiritual program of recovery now and through my journey I have met and engaged with some amazing people and services, which I am so grateful for, and unlike the totally selfish addict I used to be, I’m even able to give something back to the community now by doing service and volunteering.